The Last to Know

The second I walked in, I quietly shut the door behind me and laid my back against it. My mind was still racing, my hands were trembling and my chest felt so tight that I could hardly breathe. The past hour had me rethinking my entire existence, including my marriage. Closing my eyes, slowly, I inhaled, attempting to draw in the peace and tranquility of my home and then exhaled trying to release the anxiety I had within. It was pitch black and eerily quiet that you could almost hear a pin drop. Julius must have already gone to bed for the night and for that I was thankful. There was no way on earth that I could face him and begin to explain things. None of it would ever make sense to him, because it still hadn’t made much sense to me. All I wanted was to close my eyes and wake up in the morning realizing that this wasn’t at all real, but instead just an awful nightmare.

With that in mind, I decided to slip my shoes off so that the sound of our hardwood floors creaking wouldn’t wake him. Then, I tip-toed in the kitchen to pour myself a quick glass of Chardonay. That was the only thing that was going to help me relax and put my mind to ease enough to get some rest. But as I grabbed a glass and the half full bottle of wine from earlier, a vision of me and Derek suddenly shot before my eyes. There he was with only a towel wrapped around his waist and me in my panties and bra.

“Are we really about to do this?” I asked, afraid of the damage it would cause to our lives.

“Isn’t this what we’ve both wanted since the first day we’ve seen one another again?” he questioned.

Then the next thing I knew, his towel dropped, and he picked me up, laying my body on the bed. As much as I didn’t want it, my body screamed for him to have his way with me. What was I doing, I thought to myself, enjoying every second of his pleasure. Was I truly ready to risk it all? I interrogated my own intentions. But as his lips found their way to my pleasure zone, all sense of reality escaped me. But then it seemed as fast as the vision came was just as fast as it had left. 

Immediately, I began wiping away the tears that had threatened to run down my face as I downed the first glass of wine. It was smooth and warm just the way I liked it. But when it didn’t seem to help relieve me of my guilt and shame, I downed another, and another until that bottle was gone. Knowing there was no way I could sleep next to Julius in the state I was in, I grabbed a full bottle this time and made my way into our family room. I was ready to lose all sense of reality by intoxicating myself and crashing for the night on the sofa. At least that was until out of nowhere I heard his voice speaking to me in the darkness of the room.

“Finally decided to come home huh, Paula?”

With my nerves already out of control and being frightened by his voice in the shadows, my glass and wine both slipped from my hands and hit the floor.

“Julius, oh my goodness, you scared me half to death. Honey, what on earth are you doing sitting out here in the dark? I thought you would have gone to bed by now,” I said while making my way back into the kitchen for napkins to clean up the mess.

He’d got up and followed right behind me though without answering but instead peering at me in a way that I’d never really seen before. And as he entered the light of the kitchen, I couldn’t help but notice that he was fully dressed.

“So, are you going to answer my question?”

“What, honey? What’s your question, again?”

“It’s well after one in the morning, Paula. You never stay out past nine, or maybe even ten. Where have you been?”

“I, I, I went to the gym earlier. You already knew that,” I answered as nonchalantly as I could. “And well, while I was there, I ran into Tracy, and we decided to go and get a bite to eat and have drinks. Um, we laughed and talked and caught up with one another that the time just got beyond us, that’s all sweetie.”

“Really? And you didn’t think to call me?

“I was going to, but—”

“But what?” he cut me off. But instead of allowing me to answer, he finished his thoughts. 

“See, at first, I was worried…wondering if maybe something happened to you. I called your phone over and over and it just kept going to voicemail…”

“Baby, that’s because it died at the gym. I thought I could make it home before it got too late, but like I said, I lost track of time,” I tried to explain as my chest began to heave up and down from panic. It was like he hadn’t heard a word I said though because he’d gone right back to where he left off.

“So, since I couldn’t get you on your phone, I was about to go and ask Symone if she’d seen or heard from you. But the crazy thing was, when I opened the door to leave, she was standing right there.” 

By that time, he’d began pacing in front of the island which was the only thing standing between us. He continued in the same calm and deliberate manner as he’d begun.

“What was crazy about it was that she’d come over here to look for Derek. Crazy, right Paula?” My wife and her husband, both missing late at night. Doesn’t that sound fucking crazy to you?” he stopped pacing, and his eyes pierced right through me as he looked in my direction.

“Julius, honey, I can explain,” I said moving to the same side of the island he was on and laying my hand on his chest to try and soften his anger a bit. “Baby, on the way home, my engine light came on and the truck started to hesitate like it was going to stop on me.”

“And you didn’t think to call me once? Your husband? Is that what you’re saying to me, Paula? That you chose to call Derek instead?”

“No, no, no, honey, I was just down the road and Derek was on his way home, and well he saw me and offered to help. That was it,” I finished as my eyes drifted away from his glare and I brushed my hair behind my right ear. At that point, however, I wasn’t sure what was happening because he started to laugh uncontrollably out of nowhere.

“Ya know, sweetie, it’s funny how we all have that hing that we do when we’re not being completely honest. Some stutter, some have wandering eyes, but ever since I’ve known you, the few times I knew you weren’t being completely truthful, you would tuck your hair behind your ear.”

“Julius,” was all that I could seem to get out when the same tears from earlier began to flood my face.

“Paula, when we married, I vowed to love you, honor you, respect you and take care of you until death. But it’s like that doesn’t mean anything to you anymore. I don’t even think I mean anything to you anymore because ever since that man has come into our lives, you have been someone that I don’t know any longer.”

“Honey, no, you don’t understand. I promise, it’s not what you think.”

“What the fuck do I think, Paula? You tell me. Because right now, I don’t know what to think. All I know is my wife was somewhere doing God knows what with our neighbor.”

“Listen, I know what this looks like, but I promise, there’s so much more to it?”

“Just tell me, did you have sex with him? Do you love him? Wait, no don’t bother answering that because I think I already know. But what I do want to know is if you still want this marriage? Because if you do, I’ll take this one time on the chin and I’ll fight for what I thought we had. I love you that much. But if you don’t this anymore then I have no problem walking away.”

Dead silence filled the room as he stood there waiting for an answer from me that I wasn’t truly ready to give.

“Okay. Ya’ know I’ve always heard that no response is a fucking response.” After that he kissed my forehead and walked towards the door. My feet felt glued to the floor as I stood there sinking in my own sin and regret. But only a few minutes passed after I heard the door shut and I went to run after him. To my surprise though, the second I opened it, Derek was standing there.